New Mom: Baggage Claim?

I think I found my baggage last night, but the funny thing is, I didn’t even know it was missing. Earlier this week I had lunch with several former colleagues, all working moms themselves. We got to talking about the differences between working mothers and SAHMs, and it starting to come out that all these very accomplished women who seemed to have it all together were dragging around an enormous amount of guilt because they had chosen to go back to work. It was the most depressing lunch ever. I had to admit to the group that I felt guilt that I didn’t feel guilty. Except for the occasional day when my daughter seems close to coming down with a major bug, I have never felt guilty about dropping her off at child care. She loves it. I love it. I firmly believe both of us are better off with the arrangement we have. I might feel a little sad when there are tears at drop off, but I never would have called it guilt.

That all changed last night. I had a rare evening work commitment, and my husband had to pick our daughter up, which he has only done a handful of times (our child care center is at my office). When I got home and peppered him with questions about how the evening had gone, he happened to mention in passing that he had gotten to the center late, 6:05, in fact. 6:05?!?!!! My mind raced. What horrible thing had happened at his office, what terrible traffic jam, weather condition, or state of emergency had kept him from reaching our daughter before the center closed. His answers were underwhelming to say the least. It was pretty routine stuff. And yet, he shrugged it off. I, on the other hand, fought off tears feeling that I had let my daughter down because not only wasn’t I there for her, but I clearly hadn’t sent a suitable replacement. My mind raced to think of all the evening events or business travel I might have scheduled but now would clearly have to cancel because I simply cannot let that happen again. The guilt flooded me again this morning when I apologized to the center director and the teacher who had to stay late. I’m sure those five minutes of my daughter’s life have come and gone unnoticed to her, but I think they permanently opened a window of self awareness for me that will stay open for some time. Now if I could only get my husband to carry that baggage every now and again, would it lighten my load or would it simply compound it?