NewMom: The Accident
I had my worst moment as a parent yesterday. My eyes are welling up just writing about it now. But here it goes. My child care center and my office are in the same location — the center is sponsored by my company. But parking can be tough. So, even though there are a dozen well-plowed, salted, and de-iced parking spots right in front of the center reserved for child care drop-off and pick-up, I typically choose to park father away, in a spot where I can leave my car for the rest of the day, and I carry NewGirl in from there. That’s what I was doing yesterday when, walking at brisk full speed, I slipped on the ice, down on my knees, and my little baby girl fell back and whacked her head on the asphalt and ice.
I was paralyzed for the few seconds it took before she started screaming, and then I was grateful and horrified all at once. I was so happy to hear her howling, conscious, alive — and I was frightened, guilty, and terrified about what could have been. I brought her into her classroom, and I know I tried to open my mouth to explain what happened, to ask them to pay special attention to her, to let me know if she fell asleep unusually early. But instead I had to shove her into her teacher’s hands, turn around and leave the room without uttering a single word. My daughter was fine. I was a wreck. I’m not usually prone to crying, but here I was, bawling, completely unraveled.
It took me a good 15 minutes to compose myself just enough to go back in the classroom, talk to the teachers, explain it all, and give my daughter a huge hug and kiss goodbye. The center was wonderful. They called the property manager to complain about the icy parking lot, the teachers called me later in the day tell to me what a great day NewGirl was having and suggest I come down to see for myself. And the Director called me at the office just to see how I was doing. The answer is: I’m not sure. I’m relieved and have my wits about me again, yet I can’t help but doubt myself as a mother. It’s not the accident itself — I understand those things happen. But when my daughter could have needed me the most, I had to pass her into the arms (and albeit loving care) of someone else, because I didn’t have the strength to pull it together. That will live with me for awhile, I think. At least, I’m not the only one.
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3 comments:
You had the presence of mind to give your daughter to competent caring caregivers when you were not ok. That is what you are supposed to do. You were there for your daughter--you put her in a safe place when you knew you weren't ok. That is called being responsible. You were shaken up by the fall and what could have happened. Of course you needed to regroup. It is so important to take care of yourself. If you are feeling guilty for other reasons then touch base with a good friend or a counselor. It is so hard being a working mom today--we have enough to be worried about and by the way NONE of us is perfect.
Think of it in a different perspective - passing her off quickly into the safe care of someone she knew also meant that you didn't let her see you in that state of mind - which could have just scared her even more. Accidents happen - trust me, as a mother of two very energetic boys, I have certainly learned that truth. But sometimes it's best not to let them see your reaction. Trust that your maternal instinct would have kicked in had she needed your immediate attention. There was no need to let her see you in a meltdown!
You can't beat yourself up over this - it was an accident! Your child has probably already forgotten about what happened. Like the other comments said, you did the right thing and you cannot feel guilty for it. You are a good mom and should not doubt that!
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