NewMom: Who’s Raising Your Children?
I just read this on The Washington Post’s On Balance Blog and I just can’t get it out of my mind. The author writes about the ability of herself and a former colleague to stay connected to and supportive of each other despite the fact the one chose to become a stay at home Mom while the other returned to work with the support of child care. That’s wonderful. I have lots of other friends who have lost touch when one decided to leave the workforce after having a child, so it’s really nice they were able to overcome that difference and to be supportive and respectful of the other’s choice.
But the author, who is the Working Mom in this case, talks about working motherhood in some of the most offensive terms. I won’t go into detail about her use of the term full-time Mom to describe stay at home Moms – Modern Mom did that very eloquently already. But her reference to the fact that someone else is "raising your child" because they're in child care strikes me as naïve and truly unfortunate if, as a parent with children in child care, you truly feel that way.
I know my world will turn inside out and upside down when NewGirl is here and starts child care. I’m sure it will be hard on her and on me. But I can’t help but feel, now at least, that choosing child care is one of the decisions I will make in raising MY OWN child. I hope that NewGirl’s teachers will love my child. I hope they will serve as a resource for me as a novice parent. I hope they will be able to give me insight into her development and growth. But I don’t expect them to raise her – to build her foundation of morals and values, to make decisions about her future, to teach her about her heritage, religion and family background, or to establish the simple traditions that will make us our own special family.
I suppose my feelings on this are really just speculation until I go through it all myself, but what do those of you who already have your children in child care think? Do you feel like someone else is “raising your child?”
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6 comments:
I have 2 children in day care 2 days a week and 1 day they are with Grandma & Grandpa. They learn so much from daycare & their grandparents, but I truly feel that my husband and I have the most influence.
We recently changed child care environments because our previous care provider indicated that she felt she should be making decisions about raising our child!
I just started daycare about a month ago, and that had been my concern throughout the months I had grandma and then a nanny taking care of baby girl. But I believe that, as long you have a strong, healthy and loving relationship with your child, you will always be the ultmost comfort and security for your child, and that will give you the most authority over and leverage with your child. So make sure you use your powers for good :) and take advantage of then to instill your own values and beliefs.
Dear New Mom,
I have considered your blog without having read the article nor the book but I have been really thinking about and going through some troubles as a working mom.
My daughter just turned 2 and I am 4 months pregnant with our second. She is currently in full time care as of May. Prior to that she stayed home with me until 18 months (I had a great sitter come for a few days a week here and there in the summer of 2006 but our daughter did not have to leave the house.) After 18 months she went to daycare 2 and then 3 days a week.
My job allowed me to stay home as much as 4 to 5 days a week. Now, I am full time days, Mon to Frid. I also have a commute to contend with.
I really do not feel connected to my child as I did prior to the change. I am feeling quite blue about the whole thing as I feel the quality time I once had with my child is now compromised greatly. I am truly not sure if I am making the right decision and I think about it all the time which is probably worse. You see, many working moms have had to work from the get go, especially in the states. In Canada, were I am, I had a reduce paid one year off and my job, although full-time hours, was not Monday to Friday. I have had to make the change for a couple of reasons and I really do notice a difference in my ability to be a good mother as well as in her behaviour.
I honestly feel that if a woman can and wants to stay home and if her husband/partner is supportive of this (ie choosing to live in a smaller home, driving one car, not buying a lot of new stuff and/or not taking a lot of away vacations then your children will truly benefit from this.
I am trying, unsuccessfully I feel, to run a good household (clean, cook etc), be a good mom, wife and have time for myself and I don't. I did before the full time hours however. Part-time hours made a big difference and I also could stay home fulltime and be very very busy with all the household and family responsibilities.
It certainly is challenging in our day and age to balance it all. Most women, I feel, try to make it seem like it is so easy to run a house and raise a couple kids and work, but I really don't feel it is easy and I am really wondering if I am doing the wrong thing.
My husband however wants me to work and I have a good job. I would not be able to stop working as he would not support it. Actually, in our current financial situation, we need two incomes.
Work together with your partner and really come up with something that works for both of you and especially for your child.
My husband and I have raised two children (now 25 and 22 years old) with the help of excellent child care providers. We made the decision early on that when we were able to be with the children (evenings and weekends), we would BE WITH the children. That doesn't mean that we ignored each other, our home or yard. It just means that we included the children in our activities (grocery shopping, house cleaning, cooking, gardening, etc.)with an eye toward cooperation and sensitivity to what they could really do. We also made sure that we were available to them to participate in their activities. My children were exceptional athletes (both earned college scholarships and one now plays professionally--yes I am bragging :)). But we were a team as a family!
It wasn't easy. It was exhausting but it was also rewarding. We are a very close family.
No one raises your child but you. Child care providers should act as partners with you. You need to communicate your goals for your children to them and ask for their cooperation in working toward those goals with you. They should also be resources for you. Their breadth of experience with children coupled with your depth of experience with your child is a powerful combination. Use it.
So it can be done successfully. There are trade-offs (my house was never going to be in House Beautiful) but we raised loving, caring, intelligent, productive adults. We were (and still are) very blessed.
It always concerns me when moms divide over wether being home or going to work is "best" for their children. We live in a society that puts enough pressure on all women to be perfect...perfect wives, perfect mothers, perfect employees, etc. Seems like what we really need is to support one another in our choices...only you can find the solution that works for your family and I should not tell you that your choice is right or wrong. I should be supportive and tell you that if you go to sleep at night knowing you are doing what is best for your family, then you ARE doing your best for them and they will know that the choices you have made are out of love. My own daughter goes to daycare 4 days a week...I work full time (4 days, 10 hours+) so that she and I can spend one extra day each week together, just us. It works for us and I look forward to those days...I know I am doing what is best for her and for our family. If you keep the same things in mind, you will make the best choices for you, too. Good luck!
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